Epiphany
by Kejfe Blintz
Summary: Tony has an epiphany. It doesn't go well. Spoilers for Hiatus, sorry.


**Disclaimer: **Yes I know I don't own these guys, but come on, it's Halloween. Let me play with them and I promise I'll bring them back in as many pieces as I found them in. Even the boat.

* * *

When you are a naturally solitary creature (granted more by circumstance than design), the shock of suddenly finding someone else entrenched in your life can be a great one. For Tony DiNozzo, this was more true than for most. He'd learned from a young age to rely on no-one but himself for anything other than superficial gratification, so the realisation that without this other person around life simply wasn't worth living came somewhat as a surprise. The most inconvenient aspect of Tony's epiphany, however, was that it took the sudden and wholly unexpected departure of said person to bring it to the fore. One minute Tony was blissfully unaware of his impending predicament, and the next he was right in the middle of it attempting to contain the fall-out. Which he did admirably, considering the circumstances.

The affects of his own personal fall-out didn't make themselves apparent until around a week later, after the initial numbness had worn off. And, as is common in such situations, the catalyst was a mundane activity. Tony was in the bullpen, puzzling over an aerial photo on the plasma. He couldn't make sense of what he was looking at, so turned and asked,

"Boss, can you…"

The sight of Gibbs' empty desk stopped him mid-sentence. The realisation of his situation hit with the force of a hurricane, Tony had to steady himself against McGee's desk to stop his buckling knees from depositing him in an undignified heap on the floor. Gibbs wasn't there, he was in Mexico. He'd left. He'd left Tony. Paling, his vision blurred with the threat of an onslaught of tears as his brain attempted to process the ramifications of it's latest realisation. It was struggling, so did the only thing it could think of…it turned off. Tony slid unconscious to the floor, causing the nearest agents to rush to his aid.

Tony came round in the back of an ambulance with a fogged brain, sore nose and numb hand. Struggling through the fog he quickly identified a nasal canula and Abby clutching his hand as the cause of the latter two complaints, but couldn't work out the reason behind either the ambulance or the fog.

"Special Agent DiNozzo, can you hear me?"

An unfamiliar voice, therefore not warranting immediate attention.

"Tony, are you awake?"

Abby, sounding worried. Very worried. Worried enough to make the remaining climb toward consciousness worthwhile.

"Yeah" His voice still worked, that was a good thing. "What happened?" A little croaky, but it was better than nothing.

"You passed out Tony."

"DiNozzo's don't pass out."

"Yeah well this one did."

"Did not…why?"

"What's the last thing you remember Agent DiNozzo?"

Sorting through the jumble of sounds and images which is currently serving as his memory, there's a photograph, a question…

"Gibbs is gone" a realisation. Again. This time not so dramatic. Tony scrambled into a sitting position, pulling off the oxygen as he did so.

"Gibbs has gone."

"Yeah Tony, I know. Over a week ago."

"Why'd he leave? Why'd he go?"

Tony was getting frantic, his incomprehension over Gibbs' actions confounding his panic. So maybe this realisation was going to be just as dramatic as it was the first time around.

"He left me, he can't leave me, I can't do this without him…"

Tony slipped back into unconsciousness as his brain once more failed to process this piece of information.

Some time later, maybe days, maybe weeks, Tony stopped marking time, he found himself sitting on familiar basement steps talking to an incomplete wooden boat.

"He left you in as many pieces as he did me huh? Without him, neither of us will ever be complete. Profound. I gotta stop drinking cheap beer; it makes me get all philosophical with a boat."

Tony found the familiarity of his actions comforting – he'd lost count of the number of times he'd sat on this step and talked. Although there was usually another human being at least present, if not always listening.

"How did this happen? There I was, minding my own business and bam, I can't live without him. And it takes him leaving to make me realise. Guess it's true, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Great, clichés on top of philosophy."

Tony looked at the beer bottle in his hand accusingly, and then set it down on the step beside him.

"Jeez, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm drinking his coffee and talking to his boat just to feel near him. The others can't help me; they need me to be strong. To be their leader. How am I supposed to lead them? Abby still hasn't stopped crying. Gibbs would know, but then if he was hear to ask then I wouldn't be here getting a therapy session from a few bits of wood stuck together. No offense."

This last comment was directed at the boat.

"It's official, I'm losing it. Now, WWGD…what would Gibbs do? Probably pull himself together and get on with it. Right, come on Tony you can do this. Your people need you. Gibbs is not the only person in the world, there are billions of others. Who would probably be nicer to you and head slap you less."

Tony's pep talk to himself pushed him to his feet, which in turn obliged by propelling him up the stairs. He stopped at the top and turned back to the boat.

"Thanks for listening, you've been a big help."

He turned out the light and headed off into the night with a new sense of purpose and a determined set to his jaw. Because Gibbs would be back. He had to, he hadn't finished his boat.

Meanwhile in the basement, the boat sighed. She imagined she had not seen the last of Anthony DiNozzo. It was going to be a long few months until Gibbs returned. She knew he would, he hadn't finished DiNozzo.


End file.
